Super Salon

After 3 1/2 years, it was finally time for Ava's first trip to Supercuts, or as she called it, the Super Salon.  I've trimmed her hair a handful of times but in the name of our move and her first day of Preschool, we celebrated with a haircut that slightly less resembles a homespun snipping.  She wouldn't wear the cape and clung to me for the first few minutes but then decided she was having a blast!  She proudly toted her purple Supercuts balloon home and bragged to daddy about how brave she was.  Sigh.  I have a big girl!

Because she can.

My joy-filled girl.  Making a splash while we still live in a state full of puddles.

Grayson: 6 Months

* My pictures aren't uploading into iPhoto so they will have to follow in a separate post.

Despite my best attempts to hold time still, the little ones keep growing and growing!  Grayson has become quite the joyful, laid back little boy and is such a blessing to us.  Even through all of our traveling this month he has proven himself to be adaptable, sweet and a lover of activity.

At 6 months Grayson is:

• Sitting by himself, though not without close supervision.  I actually wrote that he was NOT sitting and then went to take some 6 month photos of him and he sat right up!
• Rolling like a mad man and even starting to put his knees up under himself in an attempt to crawl forward.
• Loving being read to and giggles when you sing Pat-a-Cake, Pony Boy or A Bushel and a Peck.
• Still swaddled and sucks on his paci to sleep (and goes down without a peep).
• Eating much better, though he is impatient, all business and wants to sit up while he nurses which makes feeding in public non-existent.
• He has also started biting me when he's done eating and then laughing when I jump in pain... A little bit cute but Lord help me when this boy gets teeth!
• Hasn't started solids though he's interested and ready.  I am waiting until after the move so I don't have to worry about it on the airplane!
• Wearing a smattering of 6-9 mos, 9 mos and 6-12 mos clothes and size 3 diapers.
• Weighs just over 17 lbs (his official appointment and weigh-in is scheduled for tomorrow).
• Grabbing at toys with more accuracy now and showing more determination to get to things that are out of reach.
• LOVES his big sister (and she loves him).  Ava frequently asks to play with him in his crib and will stay there for half an hour or more, jingling toys, giving him his pacifier and talking to him.
• Is just starting to be more clingy to mommy.
• Still doing very well on Prevacid with the occasional bad reflux day (especially after long car rides).

Schedule of the moment: 

   *Keep in mind I've been moving both kids schedules later in hopes of easing more smoothly into Arizona's time zone in September.  

Right now he is waking and nursing between 7:30 and 8am.  He eats every 4 hours around 8am, 12pm, 4pm and 8pm, is awake for about an hour after feeding and then  takes 3 naps ranging from 1-3 hours each (1 hour if he's having a cranky day but usually sleeps for 2-3 hours).  If he wakes up early I usually try giving him the pacifier first but if that doesn't soothe him he is usually easily pacified by stimulation (the opposite of his sister).  Either I leave him in his crib with something to look at (and often he will fall back to sleep), or if all else fails he will lay swaddled in the living room and happily watch the world go by until feeding time.

Last night, after I wrote this post and mentioned that he is still waking to eat around 11pm and 3am, he slept through the night for the first time!  We will see if this continues.  I have chosen not to worry about this nighttime feeding otherwise until after the move.

Postpartum Depression

Just two weeks before finding out that we would be moving across the country, I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression.

When Ava was born I didn't even have the typical two week baby blues.  I was elated and high on motherhood for months.  With Grayson however, I had a really hard time adjusting which turned into weeks and months of still not adjusting.  It took a long time for me to realize that this wasn't normal because I was getting so little sleep--3 or 4 hours a night for the first 3 months--I figured, of course I'm not enjoying life.

However, about a month ago it became more clear to me that what I was feeling wasn't typical.  Once I started getting 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night more consistently I was able to sort through my thoughts and emotions more clearly and realized that I still wasn't bonding with Grayson very well.  I had a hard time looking at a picture of the four of us and wrapping my head around it.  He was sweet and cute but somehow a little less mine than Ava was.  I felt disconnected and my whole pregnancy was a blur let alone the first 5 months of his life.  I attributed a lot of this to sleep deprivation but I would think about how old he was and get sad, like I had missed it.  I also haven't been able to enjoy Ava, have to force myself to play with her and get easily overwhelmed by her frequent outbursts.  I had begun to think that I wasn't made to have more than one child, or maybe even to have children at all.  I felt trapped and like I was constantly in survival mode, clawing my way out of a place where everybody needed me and I'd lost any hope of caring even for my simplest needs.

Depressed.

I hate the word and it depressed me to name it.  But, when I realized how completely these feelings were engulfing me and affecting my relationships with my kids and with Blair, I knew.  I looked up PPD online.  I had every one of the symptoms.  No!  I never thought.

I started on medication a few weeks ago and woke up throwing up the first night and was sick the whole next day.  I was lowered to half the dose and tolerated that fairly well after the first week of nausea and fatigue.  At this point we were days away from leaving for our trips to Arizona, Cape May and the Outer Banks so I chose to stay on this un-therapeutic dose in case my reaction to the full dose would again be ill-fated.  I am a few days into the full dose now though with, thankfully, only minor side effects.

I can't say I'm feeling 100% yet but I have hope.  Just knowing what I'm dealing with helps me to make more clear decisions about what I should be doing and feeling and to disregard my current tendencies (run away!).  I am beginning to bond more with both kids but it is still hard to feel that I've lost so much time.

I truly never thought I would suffer from this so it caught me off-guard and I waited so long to get treated.  I am praying the future is brighter and am so thankful for my loving and supportive husband and my God who redeems lost days!  I would never have chosen to feel this way going into such an overwhelming life change as we prepare to move.  But, I see God using this to show me how completely he can care for me when I am dependent on him.  It is by his grace only that I haven't totally lost my marbles.

Arizona

I would apologize for the lack of posts in the last few weeks but really, if there was ever a good reason to drop the ball, this would be it.

A few weeks ago Blair applied for a job as the Audio Engineer for Christ's Church of the Valley, a large church in Phoenix, Arizona.  Within two weeks a preliminary phone interview was scheduled, a Skype interview was had and Blair and I were flown out to meet the staff and see the church.  Needless to say, we were living in a state of disbelief at the quick succession of events, excited and a bit in denial about what this might mean for our family.

We scheduled our visit during the first weekend of our planned trip down to Cape May and Nags Head with our families.  Ava spent four days by herself at Mimi and Pappy's while Grayson, Blair and I hopped on a plane headed for Phoenix and it's 107 degree weather.  Honestly, the preparations happened so quickly it didn't really hit me what was happening until we were in the air, crossing over states I have never seen by foot, my daughter hundreds of miles away and my son screaming for a captive audience.  As we neared our destination, I got to see the plains of the midwest turn into desert and then beautiful, cracked mountains.  I watched the sun set and the dark deserted landscape turn into a vibrant city, lit, bustling and new.  I felt God begin to stir in my heart as I looked out and wondered if this could be home.

Then it hit.  The wall of heat.  We left the airport and it was as if someone had opened an oven in front of me that followed me wherever I went.  Walking to find the shuttle that would take us to our rental car was enough to warrant an extra bottle of water and a nap.

The next morning I awoke exhausted, Grayson had been awake for the day at 3:30am (since there is a 3 hour time difference) and we had a full day ahead.  I prayed for strength and that God would help me to be present for this impending whirlwind of a weekend, despite the tiredness, overwhelmedness and presence of a 5 month old who would be spending 99% of the time in his car seat and be dragged around in what feels to be the middle of the night.

That first day we met many of the staff and staff wives, visited the church for the first time and I got to spend a lot of time there while Blair was working.  It was overwhelming to say the least but not in the way I expected.  I hated the dry, dirt and brown of the city but the church was an oasis.  The campus was beautiful, inviting and I could easily see myself, my family, finding a home there.  That was overwhelming.  I thought, God, I have had an anxious sickness in my belly all day, driving on roads I don't know, past buildings and streets that I don't recognize, surrounded by people who don't know me.    I don't think I want to like it here.  I didn't realize how comfortable I had gotten in State College until I pictured myself in this alien city and felt that loss of familiarity and home.  I fought tears for much of the day but I felt God whispering in my heart, "Let go of what is comfortable because you aren't growing there.  I have plans for you here."  Stirring excitement intermingled with dread.

Every person we met made Blair and I feel so welcome, loved our son, asked about Ava and took time to get to know us.  In two days I felt we really could have friends there.  Blair and I left feeling like all of our expectations about the church, the job and the people were exceeded.  Exceeded.  That's hard to do when your standards for what would be worth moving across the country for are so high.  We came away feeling already invested in this place and feeling God's presence and movement there.

After a plane flight home on Monday and a wash and repack of four people's things, we left Tuesday morning for the first of our two vacations.  It was only by God's great planning that we'd be spending that time with so many of our extended family prior to a potential move.  We took it all in, and then on Friday, Blair was officially offered the position.

We told Ava first.  We were reeling at the decision and it's implications but explaining it to her centered us and united us as a family.

 "Will Nana and Papa be there?"

 "No, they will stay at their house and our new house will be pretty far away."

 "Will I be far away from Erin and Jon and Brayden and my best friend Ruthie?"  We marveled at her immediate insight into the part of this move that we were most worried about for her.

 "Yes, but we can still visit sometimes and talk on the computer with them."

 "Okay."

 "Ava, how do you feel about moving into a new house in a new place and leaving your room at home?"

 "Sad."

 "Did you know that we can take all of your things with us, even your furniture and your butterfly mobile?"

 Eyes lit up.  "We can?!  Even my butterflies can come?!"

 "Will there be new stuffed animal friends waiting for me when we get to the new house?!"

 "Uh, I think we can safely say YES, I'm sure there will be." :)

She was not thrilled when we told her that she would be taking an airplane ride to Arizona but after we showed her pictures of our flight she was sold.  To see the clouds from up above?  I'm there.

Fear of plane flight averted.

We showed her pictures of the church's beautiful campus, the kids building and the grassy area filled with balls and hoola hoops.  She was smitten.  We are expecting the move to be difficult for all of us but for now God has blessed us with relative ease.  Ava so easily goes with the flow that I think she will do pretty well until it's time to leave her by herself at sunday school or preschool.  One day at a time.

Since returning home from our vacations we have been faced with the reality of our next four weeks at home.  I packed the first boxes yesterday and my thoughts are filled with finding new doctors, transferring prescriptions and adjusting the kids schedules so the time change won't hit us all like a ton of bricks when we get there.  It is surreal, to say the least, but we are so thankful.

God's leading and presence in these last few weeks has been palpable.  The last couple of months have been some of the most difficult for me since we had kids but I have felt God caring for me even in this. The intricate ways that He prepared us, both Blair professionally and personally in his talents, desires and work, and for me, emotionally, stripping me down to a readiness to follow Him in His strength and not my own.  God has made a way for us to go, worked out details of finances, car buying, finding a preschool for Ava.  The list is endless.  We are so grateful for this opportunity and so in awe of how God intimately wove this into happening.

And in mid-September we go.  To a place where they have yards of rocks instead of grass.  To a city where God is working.