When Ava was born I didn't even have the typical two week baby blues. I was elated and high on motherhood for months. With Grayson however, I had a really hard time adjusting which turned into weeks and months of still not adjusting. It took a long time for me to realize that this wasn't normal because I was getting so little sleep--3 or 4 hours a night for the first 3 months--I figured, of course I'm not enjoying life.
However, about a month ago it became more clear to me that what I was feeling wasn't typical. Once I started getting 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night more consistently I was able to sort through my thoughts and emotions more clearly and realized that I still wasn't bonding with Grayson very well. I had a hard time looking at a picture of the four of us and wrapping my head around it. He was sweet and cute but somehow a little less mine than Ava was. I felt disconnected and my whole pregnancy was a blur let alone the first 5 months of his life. I attributed a lot of this to sleep deprivation but I would think about how old he was and get sad, like I had missed it. I also haven't been able to enjoy Ava, have to force myself to play with her and get easily overwhelmed by her frequent outbursts. I had begun to think that I wasn't made to have more than one child, or maybe even to have children at all. I felt trapped and like I was constantly in survival mode, clawing my way out of a place where everybody needed me and I'd lost any hope of caring even for my simplest needs.
Depressed.
I hate the word and it depressed me to name it. But, when I realized how completely these feelings were engulfing me and affecting my relationships with my kids and with Blair, I knew. I looked up PPD online. I had every one of the symptoms. No! I never thought.
I started on medication a few weeks ago and woke up throwing up the first night and was sick the whole next day. I was lowered to half the dose and tolerated that fairly well after the first week of nausea and fatigue. At this point we were days away from leaving for our trips to Arizona, Cape May and the Outer Banks so I chose to stay on this un-therapeutic dose in case my reaction to the full dose would again be ill-fated. I am a few days into the full dose now though with, thankfully, only minor side effects.
I can't say I'm feeling 100% yet but I have hope. Just knowing what I'm dealing with helps me to make more clear decisions about what I should be doing and feeling and to disregard my current tendencies (run away!). I am beginning to bond more with both kids but it is still hard to feel that I've lost so much time.
I truly never thought I would suffer from this so it caught me off-guard and I waited so long to get treated. I am praying the future is brighter and am so thankful for my loving and supportive husband and my God who redeems lost days! I would never have chosen to feel this way going into such an overwhelming life change as we prepare to move. But, I see God using this to show me how completely he can care for me when I am dependent on him. It is by his grace only that I haven't totally lost my marbles.
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